A friend posted these on Facebook….VERY FUNNY!
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by
physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D.
* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
* She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983
* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
* I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when
he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
* Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
* The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to
dispose of him.
* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused an autopsy.
* The patient has no past history of suicides.
* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
* The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions
in early December.
* The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a
picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually
deteriorated in the emergency room.
* The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed.
* Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to
work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
* MD during a physical exam, stated, in my ears, “I am unable to arouse this
woman”, personally, I really don’t think he should have bragged about it.
Drive Safe! Never Forget.